Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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