I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
