you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
