Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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