whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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