Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
