im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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