I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
