I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
