Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
