I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Drunk is not a location!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
