I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
