I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
