i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
