IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she peed on how many people?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
