this beer tastes like vomit already
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
