my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
