I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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