Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
