i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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