beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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