Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
