Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
