Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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