Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
