I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
