a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
