My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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