haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
