I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
