Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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