From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
