This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
