why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
