I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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