Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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