Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
