I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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