Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
