so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
