Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
