dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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