Please, let me fuck your mom
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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