Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
