I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The Olympian is in my bed
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
