He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
