I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
