Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Text me some of your sweat
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
