I'm so fucking centered right now
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
