I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
