I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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