you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
