Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
