i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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